Flower Child

I met the Flower Child (my ex-wife) in high school. I think there might’ve been an award ceremony, and we were all waiting in line for refreshments. I overheard her and her mother speaking, and noticed that the mom especially had an accent. So I had to ask, “Are you from the island?” We’re all very proud people, and they responded warmly. We chatted for a while, and then found our respective families. The Flower Child was almost an exact replica of her mother, except for the fact that she hadn’t quite grown into herself yet. She was more like a baby wallflower, waiting for the right set of conditions to bloom.

I don’t think I had this exact thought at that time, but I’m always checking out how a girl’s mother looks. And in general how her family looks. After all, we are shopping for genes when we select a mate. There is an objective standard of beauty, and that’s what I’m shopping for. I don’t have control over the final combination/configuration of those genes… yet, but I can stop myself from sowing my seed with those I don’t find attractive. When I do find a woman attractive, just thinking about giving her a baby gets me going. I guess it’s hardcoded in me. And then I think about the cost of raising that baby, and I slip a condom on. Needless to say, the Flower Child fit the bill. We were both around similar physical attractiveness and came from good families from what I could tell. I was into it. There are other traits you might want to consider, whether consciously or sub-consciously.

I knew I had to see her again, so I wrote her a note and gave it to her the next time I bumped into her in the hallway. We started exchanging notes. Through that exchange, I found out that she came from a religious family, and that dating for her was off the table unless it was with the intent of marriage. Well, that was an easy way to deter me. I opted for “just friends” without hesitation. We kept in touch, and she would invite to hang with her and her friends every once in a while. We’d email each other, and I’d tell her about my trips. By college, we lost touch.

When the Tōhoku earthquake happened she reached out to me to see how I was doing. I was fine. I was on the West Side. When I got back I called her up, and to my surprise she was engaged. She invited me to a celebration they were having, and I ended up meeting the guy. It is what it is. They were of the same religion, so it was a match made in heaven. By this time, she had finally bloomed and she was looking like a woman. But I had bigger fish to fry, I was mainly thinking about get a well paying job, which I was successful at doing. A couple months later, I called her out of the blue, only to find out that the engagement had been called off.

After that we started spending all of our time outside of work together. Mistake. But it was simple at the time. We were out in the suburbs, and she was my best choice. I wasn’t going to do well chasing tail in the suburbs. And after Japan, I figured why bother. I’d probably be creating more headache for myself. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was her rebound. We had fun together, and we took trips. At some point, I recognized that things were getting “serious”, and I told her, “Look, I like you, but I don’t want anything to do with your religion.” I also told her I don’t stay in one place for long, and she’d have to be ok with that. I told her who I was. She said she was down for the adventure. I honestly should have ran the other way from then.

After that year, my parents decided to leave the country for good. So it was me in a big ass house by myself. Things between the Flower Child and I continued to escalate. It wasn’t even she that was escalating things, it was me. I thought that now that my parents were gone it was time to start my own family. I never consulted anybody, but at the time it felt like there was no one to consult. My friends and I had to stopped sharing the intimate details of our relationships as we once did years ago. And my dad for whatever reason thought he couldn’t talk to me about girls. When I called him and told him I was going to get married, he only said, “Well son, if that’s what you want to do…” I couldn’t read through his silence and hesitation to stop his stubborn son. So we followed through and did everything quickly. There was no rush, but it was like, why not? Not understanding there were a million reasons why I shouldn’t, and why I shouldn’t have done it so young, if at all.

Now it was like the Flower Child’s family was sizing me up differently, especially the mom. I think for them, they just wanted their daughter to have some fun to forget about the previous fiancee. So before I asked for her hand, I was probably seen as the fun, nice guy giving their daughter a good time. After asking to marry the Flower Child, the mother was sizing me all the time. She would say things like, “Mhm, he’s just like my husband.” We kinda looked alike in a way, but I didn’t realize she wasn’t referring to looks. She was referring to him being a weak man. I don’t like this term, but he was your beta bucks guy. In reality, she was the head of the house, and she did what she wanted to do. It’s one of those dynamics where the woman makes it looks like the man is in charge, but we all know who’s in charge.

Days before the small ceremony, my soon-to-be mother-in-law pulled me aside for a private chat. She proceeded to say, “One day a man will come along that my daughter won’t be able to resist…” and that I would have to accept that this guy that is bigger and stronger than me is going to bang my wife, and she will like it. In hindsight, I think this had happened in her life, and she was implying that she thought I was weak like her husband. And that she would see to it that her daughter followed suit. In hindsight, I don’t think I understood how often this happened in marriages/relationships before considering marriage.

We did the deed. We got married. I got a new job, and I moved first to get everything setup. When the Flower Child finally came a couple months later, life was great. I had food ready after work, and consistent sex with a pretty lady. What more could a man want? I was good. I think the Flower Child was good, but this was also her first experience away from home. So I don’t know. After grinding out a job I shouldn’t have taken, I got another. I was still trying to figure out what I was doing with my life. The Flower Child was only working part-time, but she was supposed to be looking for something full time. We moved into a little more expensive apartment, and I was banking on her actually picking up more work. The reality was we weren’t going to get a much cheaper apartment, unless we were open to sharing with bed bugs or other people. I’ll pass on both. I’d foot the majority of everything for a little while longer.

One of the problems we ran into was that once we moved into the new apartment, it seemed like her family was always there. You live states away, why are you here, in my space? I don’t understand. Then, sometimes she’d go away to visit them. I get that the Flower Child might’ve been a bit home sick, since this was her first time away from home, but it felt excessive. Or she was always on the phone with her mom. What are you talking about all the time? The issue here is, any little problem we had, she was probably running to her mom for advice and oversharing about our relationship. It was like the mom was a third party in the relationship.

The next thing was she started trying to tease and put me down. I was told by my mother-in-law that I’d have to accept my wife belittling me as a joke. I shut that shit down quickly. I don’t like it. This is blatant disrespect in my eyes. Not to mention, if I were to do it, it would immediately be a problem.

The other thing is while I said I respect her religion, but I don’t want to be a part of it, deep down she wanted me to. I would join her when she first moved up, and I would see how happy she was. But I also noticed how tight my chest got. It was like I was suffocating. I was slowly losing my freedom. I was slowly losing myself. I never explicitly told her, I just stopped going to the services with her. Sometimes when I speak, people don’t listen, so I let my actions or lack of, show them what I’m trying to say.

The final straw was the financial burden. Her money never became our money. So while I was paying for our overhead expenses, she was able to pay for visits to her family, and “fun” things. No. You must contribute.

After asking, negotiating, and then finally just dropping little hints about not spending money, I shut up. I sat back and watched to see what she was going to do. Then I started calculating. I don’t use second order thinking as often as I should, but when I do… So I thought to myself. Hmmm. If I stay in this situation and nothing changes, then what? I might as well dig my grave. That’s it. I saw myself being unhappy if I was going to bust my ass so she could be in charge of me and everything I own. If I stay in this situation and she does change, how long before the next problem? How long before I end up still wanting to dig my grave? What if we have kids and the problems multiply? Or I can leave. What happens if I leave? If I leave, I still have to deal with her family giving me a hard time for leaving their daughter. If I leave, I’ll have to start all over from scratch. I’ll have to deal with the family, but it won’t be as stressful as staying and dealing with the family. I won’t necessarily have to prepare my will and dig my grave. If I start over from scratch, I can get another girl. I can get another job. I can get another life. Still, too simplistic, but I chose to leave.

I didn’t act on my new revelation immediately. I did distance myself from the Flower Child though. I had a business trip, so I was out of the country for a month. When I came back, I was calm and I probably tried to “make it work” again. But in my heart, the decision had been made. I don’t remember how everything went down, or why we had the conversation. I think I sat her down to explain my reasoning. I was hoping we could end things on good terms. But one thing lead to another, and I pulled out my spreadsheet and started shouting. The last thing I remember shouting was something along the lines of, “If you’re not going contribute more to our overhead, get the fuck out!” She left moments later.

When she came back, she had changed. I had seen how nasty her mother could be, but I didn’t think the Flower Child had it in her. Well, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We had a “family” call, and the mother made sure to give me a piece of her mind. I had the separation papers ready. I let her sign, and she was out by the morning.

All I’m going to say is, don’t do it. It’s easy to get into, and hard to get out of. No matter who ends the relationship, everything will fall on you. I’m pointing my finger at the Flower Child a lot here, but I had my faults too. I didn’t know how to lead. I didn’t know how to stand on my square. I’m an ineffective communicator. There are so many things I did wrong here. There are so many things I didn’t know. I had no business getting married in my early 20s. I had no business leading a girl down that path. The blind leading the blind. Except she had coaching on what to do the whole way, as long I played my part in her movie.

I won’t bore anyone with the rest of the details, but luckily I was able to start over, many times over. Albeit, again, ineffectively. The Flower Child, not so much. Months after we separated, I got a call from her and she was in the hospital. I had decided that no contact was the way to go, or she’d try and lure me back. Cancer was taking over the Flower Child’s body. So when I say we sensed that something was wrong, this was it. She was always talking about going home, and had she not gone home when we separated, they wouldn’t have found the cancer. It’s unfortunate that things happened the way they did. I never wished her any harm. I just wasn’t ready for something that was bigger than me. And this, for sure, was bigger than me. I don’t know how I would’ve handled that situation if I had to take care of her. Would you have been able that?

I spent the next year trying to get myself out of a deficit. At least the deficit that I could identify. That killed any desire to connect with anybody. I thought I would fuck it up again. Or I thought the person would get sick on me. Or I thought they were going to leave or I was going to leave anyway, so what’s the point?

After hiding for more than a year, I realized I had to put myself back out there. Life is not over. I’d bump my head many more times. This is what this blog is about. I ended up finding dancing. For a while, it helped me regain some confidence and zest for life in spite of still bumping my head out here in these streets. It was the first time I thought family might be possible again, even though it’s not the solution.

After this experience, there’s no way I’m trying again. Do I focus on my career and chase strange in my free time to make up for lost time? I’d give myself another 10 years to build myself up and fuck around. I still have a lot more to build before I’m anything close to being effective with women… before I’m anything close to being an effective human being. (For every piece of progress I make, I feel I’m also regressing. I don’t know if that’s normal, or I’m hopeless. I can’t seem to fit it all together and gain momentum.)Then if I’m lucky or decide to, I cash out. Is it worth it to even try and cash out and create a family based on the state of affairs, and my track record? It’s only going to get worse out here, even if I become better. Even if women are realizing feminism is hurting them in the end, are they sharing their shortcomings with the younger generations? Or do I say fuck the game and become a full time monk? Will my genetic lineage stop here? Will I find a greater purpose in life? I don’t know what my endgame is right now. The questions only time will answer…

A couple years later I received an angry call from Flower Child’s brother. He threatened to kill me if he ever saw my face again. The only thing I had to say was, “Look we were young and dumb. We didn’t know what we were doing.” One day he might find himself repeating my same mistakes. Maybe not. Flower Child had to save face when our marriage ended. No one knew or would believe the naughty things she did when she wasn’t praying. It also wasn’t the time or place to say. MaddMonk doesn’t kiss and tell (except when he writes about his lovers on his blog). I will let them continue to believe she was angel. She told everyone how horrible I treated her the whole time, and what a horrible person I was. The reality is we had way more good times than bad times. But I will forever be the enemy for not succumbing to her reign. Apart from threatening my life, he wanted to tell me that the Flower Child had died. In a way it felt like her brother wanted to blame her death on me. I do think the bad experience I gave her might have taken a toll on her life. We were so fucking young. She was so full of life. It should’ve been me.

This was hard to write, but it had to be done.

RIP Flower Child

Nozomi – 望みが叶わないのに。。。/ A wish that won’t come true

College was a real blur. Like I said in Smilez, I walked in with a chip on my shoulder and kept my head down most of the time. The first year is when everyone is open to meeting new people, new experiences, and getting into everything imaginable. For a lot of people it’s their first experience away from home and their parents, so they really let loose. Not me. It was like I went into this weird self preservation mode. I did what I could not to get close to people. I’d still mingle between the different groups on campus occasionally, but I kept my interactions light and distant. The few times I was offered sex, I turned it down. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do… but I hadn’t had much sex, and thought if I start fucking ugly chicks I’d somehow get stuck fucking ugly chicks. Or it’ll become my de-facto when I don’t have much going for myself. I’m not asking for super models, just something on my comparable level, my image match.

My second year was a bit different. Same old chip on the shoulder, but some new characters would take the scene. My roommate that year was a Kiwi, Jack. Jack was tall and blonde, with an insane sense of humor. He said anything that came to mind. The smell of beer oozed from his pores. I barely understood what he said, not because of his accent, but because he mumbled all of his words. And it amazed me how he knew how to mumble his way into pussy. I never thought to ask him how he did it. But then again, I don’t even think he knew. He really just didn’t give a fuck about anything. Or he pulled off pretending not to. He’d invite me to the events for international students, and that’s how I met Nozomi.

The first time I saw Nozomi she was wearing a royal purple yukata with a bunch of people around her as she told them about Japanese culture. I didn’t know a thing about Japan at the time, but I was open to finding out. The first girl I ever made out with was a beautiful Thai chick I met roaming in the German streets. I thought, shit I’ve had a little taste of Thailand, I want to get a taste of Japan too! Variety is the spice of life 🙂 I made sure to introduce myself to Nozomi. When I spoke with her, I picked up a vibe that she was into black guys. That piqued my interest even more. Back then, dealing with girls of different races that were into black guys made things easy, as I was their “type.” However, as I’ve grown up and experienced this a lot more, I’m not interested in leading as the black guy, the island guy, or whatever else. I want to focus on just being a solid guy, and being seen as a solid guy. That translates anywhere you go. A lot of girls that I’ve run into that are into black guys are usually deemed undesirable even to their own people for whatever reason, not just looks. There are levels to this, so that’s not always the case, but at my current low level of operation that’s what I see. And undesirable might not be the word I want to use here as I describe Nozomi. However, the way she spoke to me signaled to me that she was an outsider, like I was.

I didn’t really see Nozomi much after that, but I intentionally embedded myself into the international crew. I can’t remember exactly how we started spending more time together, but at some point we spent most weekends together. She was awesome. She was a little bit of a tom-boy, but she still knew how to be girly. She had been putting herself out there to learn English when she was a teenager, so even though she was this cute Japanese girl, she could still command the room. She played the piano, she knew how to fish… she was into all kinds of things. She was sought after by many.

Still afraid to put myself out there again, I opted for the friend-zone. I remember having nights where I was burning to spill my guts to her, but I did not want to put myself in a vulnerable position. I also thought I knew what she was going to say anyway. After her year was up, she went back to Japan. The next year, a new batch of students came in and I ran similar “game.” I became cool with all the Japanese kids, and we did a lot together that year. Had I done one more year, I think I would’ve finally worked out a system. I took too long to be a bold young man, and my time was up. I didn’t get any girls or sex during that period, but I still had a great time.

Nozomi and I kept in touch throughout that time. Having so many great experiences with all the people I met in college, I decided I wanted to see this place for myself. The goal at the time was move to Japan, learn Japanese, get a job in my field, and revitalize Japan’s aging population with cute ハーフ Jamaipanese babies. I succeeded at 2 out of the 4… I tried.

I stayed with Nozomi and her family the first couple of weeks when I moved to Japan. Nozomi spent some time with my family while she was in the US, so I guess this was her way of reciprocating. My first real interaction with other Japanese girls in Japan was through her network of friends. It didn’t go well, because even though my Japanese sucked when I first got there, I insisted on trying to be as Japanese as possible. This does not work well. They want the cool [insert nationality/ethnicity here] foreign person. I hit my head my doing that a lot. This probably even closed more doors to me having more opportunities to speak Japanese. Japanese people いや People rarely ever tell you when you’ve fucked, and even if they do, they don’t tell you what you did wrong or how to correct it. You just slowly stop getting invites, or you never get an invite to begin with. There’s a fine balance, that I was horrible at gauging. Or maybe I just didn’t care. I guess you could say I was autisitic about learning Japanese. It paid off in other ways ways. For example, after 4-5 months I was able to get a job in a restaurant and navigate my life easier, but I lost cool points for not calibrating to the people around me.

The first chick I took to a love hotel ghosted me for being a weirdo. After 4-5 months, I still hadn’t taken a bite of the sweet Japanese peach. I had given up at this point, not that I tried very hard. I went out with one of my roommates to the all you can drink club in Osaka, Pure. Nothing pure about it. I’d already had a few drinks, and I’m dancing. Out of nowhere, a chick swoops in and next thing you know I’m taking her to a love hotel. We do what we do, she pays for the hotel, and we leave. That was the first time I had sex in three years. I get home, and I blow her phone up with text messages. Not smooth. Never heard from her again.

A couple months later, I had what I would consider a peak experience. One of my friends invited a group of us out for drinks one night. He paid for all the drinks. So I asked him, where did he get all the money from? He said he won a bunch of money playing pachinko, and everything was on him that night. We left the bar, and this probably got lost in translation, but the next stop was a Soapland, ソープランド 😀 When we walked in, the first thing I noticed was the big menu board. It was like your favorite fast food chain, but instead of burgers on the menu, girls were on the menu. My friend set everything up, and the rest of us sat in the waiting room waiting for our turn to be called. When my turn was called, I remember walking down a hallway with a bunch of light blue doors. I turned to my right, opened the door, and there she was, my girl for the evening. She led me from the bed to the shower area into the bath tub. I remember trying to trying to touch her pussy, but she said I’m not allowed to so I just sat back and let her wash my body. Afterward we got out, and she told me to lay on the floaty mat in the middle of the floor. She brought over a big bucket of lube. I don’t quite remember what happened after that. I lost my mind. I probably came like five times in a row in the span of the hour we had together. Whatever she did with her mouth, her hands, and that lube turned into the best sex I never had.

I left that experience feeling on top of the world. It was just what I needed to get me out of my funk. On the way home the next morning I even planned to go back again. Then weirdly enough, I got a call from a friend back in the US who was telling me about an STI scare. Perfect timing. Then I thought about my actions the night before. I found out I was the only one that did not wear a condom at the Soapland, and I got paranoid. 当たり前だろう! I lost my mind again, but not in good way I had lost it the night before. I spent 3 months going down google rabbit holes, and going to doctors. At this point, doctors are looking at me like, “Are you dumb? You’re fine.” Even Nozomi said, “If you have something, get the medicine and fix it. It’s not a big deal.” Now that I look back, the likelihood of me getting anything was low. Growing up in a country that stigmatizes paying for sex (you still pay whether directly or indirectly) and STIs, does not help one develop a good relationship with sex.

While that was going on, I was trying to look for a salaryman job in my field. I did my job hunt, going to Tokyo for interviews and job hunting seminars, but the honest truth is my Japanese was not good enough to compete for the few available jobs at the time. Teaching Engurish was not an option. The teachers that were fresh of the boat, looked like they were having a good time. Every day was a party. The teachers that had been there for five years plus looked run down and they were broke. They were basically clowns for minimum wage salaries, entertaining Japanese people. Fuck that. I met a couple engineers. They looked like they were eating well, well dressed, and they were clearly making good money. If anything, that’s how I wanted to live. How I’d get into a position like that? I had no idea, but that made more sense to me than being a broke English teacher. Again, I never thought to ask them directly, “How’d you do it?” I should have.

Once I realized the job search wasn’t going to be fruitful, and my time was winding down I started skipping some of my Japanese classes. I wanted to hunt. So I’d go to cafes where all the cute girls would go to see if I could grow the balls to chat them up. By this point, I was feeling beat up by Japan and beat up by my own stubbornness to do things my way. I’d always go, but I’d never open my mouth. The reality is they weren’t going to make the first move. My sitting duck strategy wasn’t going to work here. Despite my lack of results, I decided to double down. I started hanging out at Starbucks. There were always cute chicks going in and out, and a lot of them were looking for foreigners.

One day as I was leaving, someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around, and this lady asked me, “Do I know you?” I looked at her confused, and told her no. She confessed she had seen me a few times and just wanted an excuse to talk to me. She ran game on me! I told her I’m about to get something to eat, and she should come with me. We ended up crashing at a manga cafe for the night, talking about everything. I’m going to call her Kagami (かがみ). Looks-wise I couldn’t tell her age, especially with makeup on, her body was intact, and she had long hair all the way down to her ass. Turned out she was 38, and I was 21 at the time. I spent the rest of my time in Japan with her. A lot of our conversations were deep. She spoke to me like I was any other Japanese person, and because of that my Japanese improved a lot during our bedside talks. On one side, I found it strange that a 38 year old would want something to do with a guy so young. I later found out that she did have some mental issues. No guy her age or older in his right mind was going to consider her for anything long term, and even though I was young, I was in a better position than her. She would’ve taken advantage of that if I was that much of sucker. But I’m not. When I left, she wanted to come with me, and I had to respectfully tell her this was the end of our road. We formed a deep bond in a short amount of time, and she helped me heal, even if temporarily, from a lot of the insecurities and worries that I was dealing with at the time. She gave me a new perspective on life. I hope I was able to do the same for her in some capacity. She was truly a beautiful person to me. For obvious reasons, we stopped communicating about a month after I returned. I wonder what ever happened to her…

As for Nozomi, I kept in touch with Nozomi and her family for a while. Shortly after I returned to the US, she found herself in France, pregnant and married to Frenchman. I never told her how I felt, but sometimes it’s best that way. As you will soon see, I’m not fit for the married life anyway. I miss her, but I understand. She has a new life now, as do I.

Smilez – Familiarity Breeds Contempt

As I get ready for a new adventure, I think it’s time to let go of the old memories, with girls especially. These have probably been holding me back more than I know it. I will let them go here in the next few posts. It’s funny because the last magic mushroom 🍄 trip I took after I broke up with Midwest was all about letting go. For better or for worse, I’ve been holding on to a lot of past frustrations and failures that don’t serve me anymore. While it felt messy during the trip, the aftermath of that trip left me feeling light. I felt like I had released all the anger, worry, frustration, and fear I had been holding onto during the relationship. To be honest, I think that was just opening the door, just the beginning of releasing memories and emotions that I’ve been holding on to for far too long.

I remember her like yesterday. I hadn’t even met her before she popped up on my AIM. Smilez. We met online through a mutual friend on Myspace. Smilez was cute. I’d say she was exactly on my level of attractiveness. These were the days when I could “attract what I was,” at least physically. The reason why I sound frustrated today, is because I’m usually having to settle for multiple levels below me. Even if I just want sex. smh. Anyway back to Smilez.

Smilez was bubbly. She had that pizzazz and spunk that always pulls me in. We would talk for hours and hours. Initially, I never considered anything with her. She was an internet friend. I had lots of internet friends. I had been roaming MSN and AIM since I was 12 or so. I always found it fun chatting up strangers in a weird chatroom. a/s/l? 🙂 I could be whoever I wanted to be. They could too. That was also how I kept in touch with all of the people I met on my travels. Besides my close circle I forged in my last couple years of high school, during my teenage years most of the people I considered friends were people that didn’t live in close proximity to me.

At some point, I met Smilez in real life by accident. In the place where I grew up, many of us were connected through what I would call the Caribbean Connection. Our parents went to school or work with the same set of people on small islands and then dispersed in hubs like London, New York, Toronto, Miami, etc. So a lot of the people I knew were somehow connected through that network. I went to New York to visit some family friends, and low and behold, Smilez went to the same high school as one of my friends. That particular night we happened to be going to the same party.

Seeing Smilez in real life was the icing on the cake. She was just as pretty as her photos, and the spunk I felt when we chatted on AIM was real. That was her, and I loved it. Obviously I didn’t know her that well, but the recipe for oneitis was brewing. We chatted more frequently after my visit. I thought I was in love. I made a few gestures that she didn’t know how to respond to, and I know I scared her off. What started off as something light and fun turned into me being super heavy. Our communication became spotty, and I couldn’t get a hold of her as often. It was fine. I understood we both lived in different places. I had other things going on like school and DJing that diverted my attention after a while. But anytime she popped up, I’d get my hopes up. One thing I started to become more aware of during this time was that my highs were high, and my lows were low. Anytime I’d hear from her, I’d get really excited and then when she stopped responding I get low until enough time had passed and/or something else caught my attention. Something I’ve had to work on is being nonreactive. Trying to make logical decisions while you are emotional doesn’t mix well.

The on and off with Smilez went on for months. The longer I didn’t hear from her, the more likely I suspected she was dealing with someone else. At the beginning of the summer, she came down to visit a mutual friend. I picked her up, and she stayed with me. My parents were traveling and I had the whole house to myself 🙂 I didn’t do try anything though. Back then, I was too much of a punk to try anything or maybe I read the situation and knew it was happening. Maybe a little of both. I took her out the next day, but she was so distant. We were doing that dance I hate. The one that’s like, “Give me attention, but I’m not giving you any pussy… sucka!” I dropped her off at our mutual friends house, and that’s the last time I saw her.

A couple months later I saw why she was treating me the way she did via some of her posts on the socials. I was the nice guy, the sucker. I saw the guy she was with, and I realized all those times she pulled a disappearing act she was probably with him. He looked like the type of guy that took what he wanted without asking. The opposite of me.

That experience stands out to me because a lot of my experiences have been that. I’m the polite guy, the nice guy while the savages ravage the women I can only pine after. Women want what they can’t get, not the guy that makes himself available to her 24/7 I’ve never been afraid to approach girls I liked. I’ve mainly been more afraid of repeating being the nice guy. I’ve repeated this story more times than I’d like to admit growing up. Even recently, I matched with a girl who I’d consider a solid 6 or 7. The first thing she says to me, “Help me get off of here.” Do I have sucker written on my forehead or what?

I’ve also never been good at balance, so I’ve always looked at things in extremes and too simplistic. My thinking was always, “Well if I’m not this, I have to be the complete opposite.” Not really understanding how to strike a balance between some of the qualities that “bad guys” have and my already conditioned nice guy tendencies. I left this experience with a big chip on my shoulder. While most people were hooking up in college, partying, experimenting, and forming friendships, networks, and other bonds that would serve them later in life, I decided to do the polar opposite. I dug myself in a hole that’s been difficult to climb out of, even to this day, and kept to myself. Instead of burying my head in between girl’s legs, I ineffectively pretended to bury myself between the pages of books I didn’t give a shit about. That is, until I met another girl… Nozomi, 望美.

An Encounter with an Old Friend

A couple weeks ago I made a pit stop to the place where I grew up. As I boarded the plane, I saw someone that looked like an old friend. I did a double take, and without a doubt it was him. He was a few people ahead of me in line to board, so I waited until he sat down. “Kano?” He looked up at me trying to decipher who I was under the mask. We shook hands, and I plopped down in the seat next to him.

Kano was my best friend in high school. We knew each other since middle school through taking a lot of the same classes and loosely through our social circles. We were nerds, no doubt about it, but we both straddled that line between hanging with other nerds and hanging with the cool kids. Besides being book smart, Kano was known for his freestyles in the gym bleachers, his art, and his deep conversations. He was alway reading, so he was always thinking one level ahead of the rest of us. I was known as the pretty boy, and the entrepreneur. I spent the summer after 5th or 6th grade in New York. My god brother introduced me to Napster and burning CDs. As soon as I got back, my dad installed my first CD-burner and I hit the road running.

What really brought Kano and I together in high school was math. Don’t ask me to explain derivatives and integrals, but if I can recognize the pattern, I’ll figure it out. We’d study and listen to BBC 1xtra. We listened for the Dancehall/Reggae, the Grime, and the Garage. Apart from calculus and music, you already know… our favorite topic was girls. Kano has always been good at maintaining long term relationships. Not just with women, but with friends and family as well. He’s the type of guy that will call you up and ask how you and your family are doing. He’s good at thinking of others, and how what he says or does might affect them. Me on the other hand, I’ve been horrible at anything long term, and barely manage to do well short term. My family is spread out and nomadic, so my model has always been to focus on self and whoever is in front of me at the moment, if there is anyone at all. I also tended to shoot for the hotter chicks. Don’t worry, I still missed. My standards were raised after being around some of my cousin’s friends in Jamaica. Those were the hottest chicks I had ever seen my life. Lots of “exotic” mixes. These chicks looked like they came from another planet. You won’t see these girls walking down the street. You have to be in their social circle.

And then I’d spend other summers in Germany, and the chicks that would approach me on the street were hot and from all parts of the world. I wasn’t banging any of these chicks, but it was generally easy to get attention from these chicks when I was the foreigner that stuck out like a sore thumb. However, I was invisible in the place where I spent most of my time. This eventually led to a growing disdain for the place I grew up, not realizing that there was probably something about myself that needed changing. When I did get a girl longer term, which wasn’t often, there was always the thought in the back of my head that I wanted a hotter chick. Eventually I’d break up with the chick in search of greener pastures. As I write this, I realize not much has changed… Damn.

Around 11th grade, I started DJ’ing and Kano was into music production. I had been going to Jamaica a lot to visit family and going out down there heavily influenced who I was becoming. My music tastes, my style, the way I spoke, everything. Kano and most of our other friends came from the same background. In a way if felt like many of us were hiding who we were at home to fit in at school. Then all of sudden it was “cool” to be from the islands. We started throwing Dancehall parties or “bashments” in my basement and in basements of other willing volunteers that didn’t mind getting drenched with sweat, blue jean stains, and the sweet scent of Mary Jane. We weren’t thinking about becoming top guys, it was just something we did because we were tired of hearing the same music in almost the same order at every party. We did it because that was who we were. There’s so much music, and so many ways to mix and blend music, but if you go to party or a club the DJ’s usually play the same shit, in the same order. Maybe that’s what the people want. When people hear an unfamiliar song, the dance floor usually clears. But we also asked ourselves, “Is there a way to introduce new music, and still keep the party rocking?” Looking back, reputation and girls came with that, but I hadn’t made that connection. The first time I had sex was after I had thrown two or three parties. This rough Panamanian chick from NYC lingered around as I packed away my equipment. She was cute enough, and a few grades below me so I thought, why not? I made the dumb mistake of making her my girlfriend, then I put on a whole show, candles, body oil, the works in order to have my first time. A couple weeks later I found out she gave some of the senior guys a turn before me, so I let her go.

I got into a few dangerous situations, and decided to stop. Kano and I went to different universities, so we didn’t hang out as much, but we kept in touch. I focused on the books, got out early, and moved to Japan. I thought I wasn’t going to return to the States, but I did. I was generally the executor of the group. I hated sitting around talking about stuff. I went out and did what I wanted to do, and I always found it was easier if I went solo since my friends at the time either didn’t have the means, or the interest to do those things. I would later learn this type of thing rubbed people the wrong way.

On the plane, we caught up with each other and rehashed old memories. We asked each other about old friends and acquaintances we hadn’t heard from/seen in a while. I was happy to see my brother was doing well in life. I finally had to ask, “What exactly did I do to create a rift between us?” I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from him. I also wanted a chance to apologize for being a dickhead. Who knows when we’d see each other next. We managed to live in the same metro area for 7+ years without talking much. It was time to drop the beef.

Kano told me he was vexed with me because one, I didn’t invite him to my wedding ceremony. Shit, I didn’t invite a lot of people to my wedding ceremony. Hence why I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances that year. For whatever silly reason, I thought it was me against the world. Even though I had people around me, I thought I was by myself. I did what I wanted to do. I don’t know about the rest of the crew, but Kano was expecting to meet her and give his blessing. If I’m honest, I thought I found a “good one” and I was doing some hardcore mate guarding. Two, right after I got married I moved away with little notice. I got a new job, and I was ready to get away from the place I grew up and that was my ticket out. Again, I casually mentioned that I was leaving and I was out. I can see how that could’ve rubbed some of my close friends the wrong way.

Every now and then I would try and contact Kano, but I could always feel that underlying tension in his voice. Our conversations were short, and cold. I’m glad I was able to apologize to my friend, even if it took 7+ years. We both had to live our lives. We both had to grow up, and figure out what we wanted out of life. And we’re still figuring it out. At least I can speak for myself. Hopefully we keep in touch, but the reality is I’m moving again. I’m closing this chapter of my life, and moving to NYC in the next couple of months. It’s time to make some new friends, make new experiences, and face some new challenges. NYC get ready, here I come.

The Good Girl – Review

I just finished The Red Quest’s novel, The Good Girl, and hands down, it’s one of the best I’ve read. I can’t say there was ever a lull. I like how he weaved all the different aspects of game into the story.

“The best game doesn’t look like game.”

This is it in one novel. I was able to see some pieces from RPD, and probably your other favorite game artists, but TRQ makes the narrator feel real. I imagine some of this is part of TRQ’s real life too.  

A few of my favorite quotes:

“Women want to tame the werewolf, without understanding the wolf in the man.”

“Algorithms rule, though we don’t understand the algorithms ruling us…”

“Most people can’t execute the best life, the great life, the full life, so they watch too many depictions of other people’s lives.”

What did you think about the book?

A Madd Monk Walks Into a Bar

One thing I’ve realized is that as much as I want to go hard with all the things I’m working on right now, I’ve got to blow off some steam and have some kind of fun. I’m not keen on going to any big events, but I decided that going out for a meal and a few drinks will do. And it just might be what I need to switch things up. I enjoy my routine meal prep, but getting out once a week for a fancy meal has been fun.

Last week I went to a Moroccan restaurant and sat at the bar in between three ladies. All of them were very receptive. They were all curious as to what I was doing there by myself. This is something I’ll generally do when I’m traveling, but I don’t do it that often in the city where I live. Some light flirting went on, but nothing heavy. I could tell they were more interested than I was. The thing is, I didn’t go out looking for anything that night. I just wanted to enjoy some delicious food and wine. Good company, optional. Sometimes I think I don’t need anyone or I don’t need social interaction, but what I realized, is I do need some social interaction outside of work. Who knew?

So tonight, I did the same. This time, Lebanese. Ended up sitting next to two ladies again. After I ordered my food, I looked to my right, and asked the woman beside me what they ordered. From there, the conversation flowed. We laughed, shared food, and found out we had some things in common. No game, just having a good time. Before they left, the chick I had the most in common with, despite having a long distance boyfriend, slid me a postcard and pen and I wrote my number down. She’s not my ideal prospect, but I’d probably smash if she followed up.

I tend to get drowned out in places like loud bars, and places where there’s a lot going on. However, getting dressed up and having a meal/drink at the bar of a nice restaurant might be more my style. It’s easy to spark up conversation, and it feels congruent with who I am. Plus, you never know who you’re going to meet. I’ve generally met interesting people this way.

I don’t know how much longer I have left in this city. A bigger city might be calling. In the meantime it’s time to catch a few flights. Time to soak up some sunshine and warmth. Time for family.

Become a Top Guy or Die Trying

If you’ve ever read Nash’s blog, you’ll notice that there is a guy named Yohami giving Nash feedback in the comments. This guy know how to read between the lines Nash paints of his experiences and pick holes in his game. It’s like Yohami has been there before, and he’s always a few steps ahead. One thing Yohami reiterates is become the top guy. That’s it. This post is done. Nothing else to see here.

Over the past year or two that I’ve been in this space, the concept of the high value man or the top guy has been damn near beat to death, but I get why. Going forward there’s no other way. If you want to live a certain lifestyle, and you want women that complement your lifestyle, it’s top guy or bust. Game is the delivery mechanism to display your value. And red pill awareness gives you the lens to navigate relationship dynamics, and maybe even life for what they really are. Without the value, game is simply a band-aid. Without the lens, you’re bound to fall into a trap.

Looking at myself, even if there is some underlying value, I see where I’ve tried to take short cuts and I haven’t been fully aware of the rapidly changing dating landscape. I keep ending back at the same place. I have to put in the work. For example, before I got married almost 10 years ago now, I looked at the fork in the road. Become a player (which I had no clue on where to start) or get married or die alone (we all do in the end). Getting married seemed like the no-brainer. The only example I had was parents, but I figured I’d just copy what they did, and we’d be ok. Not realizing that they had their own battles that they hid from me, and they would soon split not long after my marriage begun. What I didn’t realize until it was too late, was that I didn’t have enough experience to lead in a marriage. And that marriage wasn’t a good idea at all. I was slightly delusional in the sense that I had clocked up lots of sky miles from solo and family travel as a child/teen. None of peers had done anything like that. I was fortunate to be able to try different activities and sports. But none of it was intentional. For a couple months I’d be a model/actor, the next I played the drums or DJ’d, and then I’d try sports (Soccer, basketball, baseball). Then on to the next. It was great exposure, but I didn’t become great at any of these things. Nor did I have the insight to continue until mastery.

So, without having built myself up in any way I signed my life away to someone else. I’ll never forget this. Days before the small ceremony, my soon-to-be mother-in-law pulled me aside for a private chat. She proceeded to say, “One day a man will come along that my daughter won’t be able to resist…” and that I would have to accept that this guy that is bigger and stronger than me is going to bang my wife, and she will like it. In hindsight, I think this had happened in her life, and she was implying that she thought I was weak like her husband. And that she would see to it that her daughter followed suit. In hindsight, I don’t think I understood how often this happened in marriages/relationships. My level of naivety and confidence were ridiculous. I’d even go on to say delusional. Even though I had a bit of exposure to the world, I had never seen these bigger and stronger men that she spoke of besides the neighborhood wanna-be thugs, and they didn’t stay around long.

To my knowledge, nothing of the sort happened, but we didn’t last long anyway. After a year or two, and probably even sooner I realized I was way in over my head and jumped ship. I sensed that the monster-in-law was encroaching and instructing her daughter in the wicked ways of witches. That was my first real relationship, and the first time I realized how much women can suck your time, money, and life away. Luckily we didn’t have any kids, but that was a hell of a first experience. If I’m completely honest, I started to become a hermit in college (rejection), but after my divorce I went even deeper into my shell. I was affected more from being shamed for initiating the divorce than anything else. After that I worked my ass off to recoup the money and the time I had lost, since I chose a different career path to be more available to her. I got off social media in college, and hadn’t been back on so I had no idea how the world was changing and what awaited me out there.

Little did I know, this was happening. Thanks internet. Thanks social media. and Thanks Dr. Lucas Bly for the diagram.

Every now and then I would go out. I tried joining some social circles here and there. I enjoyed the social dance scene. However, I wasn’t having that much luck. An occasional breast or thigh would fall into my lap. Some better than others, but I didn’t have any control over when I fed myself. I somewhat understood that women chose, but I still had a false perception of my value. So I’d bump my head, then go back in my shell. Lick wounds, regroup, rinse, wash and repeat.

Fast forward to now. I’m game aware and red-pill aware. I’ve done alright for myself. Let’s say I’m a 6 or a 7 for kicks (because I’m full of myself) on the hypergamy diagram. I’m still getting skipped over by 5s, 6s, and 7s, for 8s,9s, and 10s. Fuck. The girls I am getting are their left overs. The only difference between then and now is that every time I bump my head doing an experiment, I’m constantly asking myself, “Would a top guy deal with this?” “Would a top guy care?” ” What would a top guy do?” Why I am trying to look from this perspective? Because these guys are winning. And for me, it’s becoming less about game and more about self-improvement. How can I build myself up to become a top guy? That’s what it’s about for me.

The concept of the high value man or the top guy is nothing new. I think in the “Old World” it seemed less attainable, to me at least. And I’ve been slow to change my mindset in this area of my life. In one of my favorite books, Love in the Time of Covid Cholera, Florentino Ariza and Fermina Daza fall in love at a young age. They seem to be of similar social class. However, her father wants her to marry up and he marries her off to Dr. Juvenal Urbino, the top guy. While he has his fair share of lovers along the way, Florentina Ariza works his whole life to become president of the riverboat company to eventually win Fermina over. His oneitis aside, he became the top guy.

Now let’s look at the landscape of today. We’re in the digital/information age. You have access to the world at your finger tips. How can we win in the digital age? I don’t think what defines who is a top guy has changed that much, from the “Old World” to now, but was has changed is the landscape. Just like we’re decentralizing the web, banking, and so many other industries, that means that power gets decentralized too. RPD and TRQ, would say something like, “It’s never been a better time to be a player.” Hell, as of this moment I’m thinking, “It’s never been a better time to be/become a top guy.” The decentralization of our world means that their’s a piece of the pie for everyone if you’re willing to put in the work, and plenty of women to sprinkle on top. We’re already seeing it, but this is just the beginning. Lots of content creators are top guys of their own slither of the digital landscape. Over the past couple years, I’m seeing a ridiculous amount of Lamborghinis and other exotic cars riding around in my neighborhood. My first thought is always, it’s gotta be crypto. The road still might be long and steep, but what are your barriers to entry compared to the “Old World”? Peanuts, I say. These days the initial barrier to entry is mainly you. 全ては自分次第。・すべてはじぶんしだい。

The point is game is our delivery mechanism, RP awareness is the lens. However, those things don’t substitute for building your own value. Once you’ve made yourself, then you can start thinking about communities, and ecosystems, and sourcing the women you really want in your life. If you can do it all at the same time, even better. I’m a horrible multitasker, so I’ll take it one step at a time. I’m done complaining about the chicks I’m not getting though. They’ll be there when I lift my head up for air. Time to get to work. If I need to, I’ll rent a hot chick and then send her on her way 😉 Even if I don’t make it, I’m going to go out trying.

My First SA Date

I signed up for SA a month ago to see what all the hype was. Guys have been saying that it’s a good way to experience the constant attention that girls receive on regular online dating. While this is somewhat true, in my experience it’s still from the lower quality girls, which isn’t that much different from regular online dating, if you ask me. If you want hot chicks, you’re most likely still going to have to message them first unless you fit a specific archetype they are into. And unless you inflate your income, or you actually do make a shit ton of money you most likely won’t be getting that attention. A good amount of people where I live make make an average of six figures or more. So the hotter girls are looking for the real movers and shakers, the guys that are making 2-3x+ than what I make. Competition is stiff. If you don’t have the money/status, you have to have the looks to make an impression. Or maybe your bio is really interesting… do people even read those?

I met up with a girl in her early 30s. I arrived early, and told her I’d be seated inside. She said she’d be there in a few minutes, and that she was nervous. I was a little nervous myself. I haven’t been on a date since I got back from Mexico City, and this was my first sugar date. I have to say, I was underwhelmed, yet again, when I saw her. Nothing new. Since I’ve been writing, I’ve only been on one date with a girl I would consider “hot.” I didn’t bother writing about it since nothing special happened on the first date, and I expected not to see her again. Some people might leave once they find out the girl is not as attractive as her pics. I usually stay to hear her story, and for the experience. I only allot an hour for a first meet anyway.

So we grab a warm drink, and walk out into the cold. The first 15 minutes was just introductory chat. Where are you from? What do you like to do? blah blah blah. Then she goes on a rant about a crazy friend/colleague. Then I change the subject by asking her, “What are you looking for?” She threw the question back at me. I told her, “It’s simple most men are looking for the same thing. However, what women are looking for can vary depending on their situation.” Then she fessed up and told me it was her first time trying this, and that she’s trying it out of boredom. She mentioned that she’s back in school, and she’s not working as much anymore, but she didn’t seem too pressed about asking for money. She seemed like she’d be cool if I just took her out to eat, and then back to my place. So if I was interested, I’m sure I could’ve taken her back to my place the same night. She also mentioned that most of the guys that messaged her had no picture. They wanted to meet, but don’t want to show their face. I don’t understand that part. My understanding is that if you’re a part of the “secret society” and you see someone in public that you’ve seen in a private setting, you just nod and move on, if you even decide to acknowledge them. I show my face, because if we’re in the same place looking for the same thing, then you know what’s up 😉

She wanted to know all of my rules, and what next steps would be. My rules right now are simple. I let her know what they are and she seemed ready to follow. This, to me, is where SA is different from regular online dating. Being able to have these direct conversations about your expectations, and girls wanting to be on your program, even if it’s just temporary.

I’m not going to follow up. She’s too old, and there were other red flags I don’t feel like dealing with. Plus, why am I going to explicitly pay for this woman? I’ve paid for enough sub par women in regular dating when I probably shouldn’t have. Now that I’m explicitly paying, right off the back she must be young, hot, and fit. No exceptions. I’m expecting a long drought, but I think after my last experience with Midwest I’ve decided dealing with girls that barely meet my threshold of looks is not going to cut it. You ever have to squint or change the angle that you’re looking at a girls face to justify why you’re fucking her? I have. And I’m not doing that shit anymore.

Apart from letting SA run in the background, I’m just working and working out. I’d call it my version of monk mode. It’s cold, so I’m not really in the mood to go out and make small talk with strangers unless this stranger is potentially coming back to my place to perform monkey double flips on top of me. The paradox is I think my day job is suffering because of lack of real life social interaction. I also have a side project that I’m working on and my day job gets in the way of me being able to devote a solid amount of time and energy towards it. My goal is to release an MVP by January/February. More on that to come. My crypto bags are full for the time being. I’m just waiting for BTC, ETH, DOT, HEX and my other coins to go to the moon. Working out is going well. I’m getting stronger, and I’m approaching some of my skill training goals. I’m mainly focusing on building muscle and enhancing my looks since I’m doing OK financially, and while making a little more money won’t hurt, it won’t change much. During my motorcycle course earlier in the year, one lady said I looked like Lenny Kravitz. I’m thinking of moving towards that archetype. The clean cut corporate/Banana Republic look looks good on me, but it is not doing me any justice with the ladies, obviously. I need more edge, less provider. I’m just slowly chipping away in the mean time. Until next time.

Exploring Mexico City

I’ve never seen anyone write about their personal accounts of game in Latin American cities, but I’d put this city on your list. This is city is perfect for day game, especially if you’re in La Condesa, Roma, Polanco. These are the best neighborhoods in the city, and generally where you’ll find the highest concentration of hot girls. Due to circumstances, I was not in a daygame vibe, but I said hi to a few cuties I walked past as I explored the city.

Before Montezuma’s Revenge changed the fate of the trip, I jumped on all the apps. As a newly free man, I wanted to experience what Mexico City had to offer. I met up with two girls. I went dancing with one, and had a coffee with another. Just friendly chat, and trying to dust off the game cobwebs. I jumped on Feeld, and I connected with a sexy chick who was partnered. We ended up texting for a few days, and then she said she showed my profile to another friend that wanted to meet me. We were to make plans for the three of us to grab dinner, but I got sick and ended up leaving a month earlier than planned.

I decided to leave early because I have work to do and Montezuma’s Revenge was the icing on the cake. Other than that, the reception I received in Mexico City was volumes better than what I receive in my city. Actual cute girls, and not ogres. If I had stayed the original amount of time, I would have gone on a boat load of dates with some cuties, and who knows, might’ve even had a threesome ;). My value is so much higher there than where I live it’s ridiculous. The last few days I went on two dates. One girl in particular was super receptive. The only thing stopping me was I still felt malnourished from not eating for a few days. We’ll keep touch in the meantime.

After my experience with Midwest and experiencing more girls that are excited to meet me, I’m ready to get back to work. The rewards come after the work. I want hotter girls, but I have to put in the work. Even if no one notices where I am now, they will notice later.

The main thing for me again, is putting on more muscle. Everything else will fall in line once I get that right. I’ll pop in and out of the social scene, as I see fit. It’s hard to do it all at the same time with other things going on.

Before I move countries/cities, I’m going to try one last attempt to move into the city center within the next 6 months. I’m right outside the city now, but even that makes a difference in my access to the girls I want. If after a year or two I’m still not where I’d like to be I’ll seriously look into moving to a place that better fits who I am and what I have to offer.

An Overstayed Visit

Have you ever overstayed your visit? I have. I remember as a kid, my friends and I would spend a ridiculous amount of time together. After about a week or so, one of our parents would always ask if we wanted to go home, and we’d say no. We were having too much fun to realize one of was eventually going to piss the other off. Sometimes it took longer to happen than other times, but it always eventually happened. I overstayed my time with Midwest. But you know what they say, third times a charm. I let Midwest go after what has to have been the most back and forth I’ve ever done in my life.

The first time I let her go was the weekend of Independence Day. That Friday, I had just done shrooms for the first time so I was feeling really good. Midwest invited me to go dancing with some of her friends. When I arrived, her friends were very attractive. They were catty girls, but they knew how to dress. Their makeup, hair, and nails were on point. Midwest not so much. This is the first time I’m saw Midwest out in a party scene. While the other girls looked bright, she looked dark and a bit frazzled. Part of me was thinking it was an after effect of the shrooms, but who knows. All I know is I wasn’t feeling attracted to her in that moment, especially with all the other girls in the room. I felt the pull towards all the other girls in the room, but I stayed in our dance circle, which is unlike me. Our vibe was weird that night, but I’m betting that’s also because Midwest could feel my energy was off. She was cold towards me as we parted ways at the end of the night.

The next day she invited me to a barbecue with another group of her friends. We discussed the night before to relieve any unsettled tension, and when I saw her we were good again. That day she looked bright again, and I felt my attraction towards her revive itself. This group of friends were basically a group of couples that knew each other through work or school. Hanging around them, it felt like, “oh, this is what normal people do.” They sit around and talk about pop culture, wedding engagements, and fill each other in on the work gossip. When I was on the dance scene, I didn’t experience this stuff as much. When we hung out, we danced. It’s possible I never stuck around for the small talk though. Anyway, it was fun and refreshing to just sit in a room of strangers, and actually have conversation for once.

We were on a roll. We moved on to another gathering. I’ll pause here and say for what I lack socially, Midwest more than made up for. The next group was more of an international party. That’s more my vibe. By this time, I was already warmed up from the barbecue earlier and I was ready to mingle. I chatted everyone up in the place, and when they put the music on it was a wrap. Someone put on Salsa/Bachata music and I spun every girl in the room like I was I getting paid. What can I say? I can’t help myself. I can see how social dancing preps one for “non-monogamy”. Every dance with each woman was different. I enjoyed different things as a danced with each woman. With one, it could be the way she looks at me as I lead her in the dance. With another, it might be how I’m barely touching her, but she know how to follow well, and still has the musicality to add her own flare without back-leading. And yet with another, her willingness to engage in the dance even if she’s not as experienced. For me, having those experiences makes it difficult to want to only dance with one person, unless the chemistry is insane. And even then, that wears off after a while. As we were leaving Midwest told me that someone came over and whispered to her that I was the most attractive guy in the room. I don’t know if that says anything or much at all given the guys that were there, but hey I’ll take it. Although it probably gave me an unnecessary ego boost. That night in bed she was quiet. I knew something was wrong, but as we spent more time in the real world it had been occurring frequently, and I was annoyed. I knew she was insecure about where we stood. It was also becoming clear to me that we might not fit together now that we were seeing each other in real social settings outside of my bedroom.

In the morning, I asked her what’s wrong. Long story short, we started talking about values, and I told her if they are not aligned we should break up. We somehow ended up spending the whole day together. I think she thought she would get me to change my mind. She almost did, but it felt like the best thing to do. After about a week or two of wondering if I made the right decision or not, I called her up and told her I wanted to get back with her. The break up felt so sharp, so sudden. Half of me knew it was the right call, but the other half felt like I was doing what I always do. I usually don’t allow things to play out or give people time, I just cut things off as soon as something doesn’t feel right. In hindsight, my gut is usually right.

So we decide to give it another shot, but she goes away for a month. We were also planning a trip for when she gets back. The other thing about me is, “Out of sight, out of mind.” So I while we were back together the extra physical space allowed me to put more mental space between us. When she returned, she immediately called me out on it, and I told her I was done again. Don’t ever ask me to join a game of poker.

We had this tripped planned, so once I called the relationship off, I cancelled all of my travel plans. She said she was going to go alone. By the end of the week, I changed my mind again. Again, I just thought I was giving up too soon, even though I knew I was done. Generally speaking, attraction wasn’t the problem. But during Midwest’s time away I had already poked so many holes in our relationship, and why we wouldn’t work. For one, I still felt the desire to be free. By this point, we had defaulted to only seeing each other, but the more we went out, the more I felt myself being drawn to other women. It would be annoying to now ask for permission to see other people. That’s not the way I want to do things. Then there was the question of if she really made a good long term girlfriend. For me, the answer was no. This is where I saw that chicks are random. Everything she did within the past couple of months as the world opened up again was based around “fun”. In my head, I’m thinking “what are you doing?” And why doesn’t she have any sense of urgency about doing things that are productive like looking for a new job or new place to live, etc. I also realized that part of my value to her is that I give her structure in her chaos so she thinks she doesn’t have to do anything except come along for the ride. Her social circle is built on her not having to do/plan anything, but her just showing up to things her friends plan. This is how the relationship would continue, and if I were to have any kind of “serious” relationship, the other person would need to contribute in more ways than just fun. The other option is to not go down that path at all, and only call girls when I have time for fun. I’m choosing the latter for now, because the former is too time consuming and has proven to be a headache for me. I can’t escape the work, especially not now.

Knowing all this, I still decided to get back with Midwest and we skipped off to Mexico City. A couple days in we experience an earthquake together. That very same night, the truth is shaken out of me yet again. The whole time we’ve been together, I’ve never refused sex. Our first couple days in Mexico I barely touched her, it’s like I felt repulsed by her touch. She called me out on it, I packed my bags and found a place of my own.

Fuck. I should’ve listened to my gut the first time. Montezuma’s Revenge is a bitch.